Self Reflection

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by Ben Huot

You are now in the 5th Generation Subsection of the Writing Section

October 11, 2022

The hobbits were very brave
Because of the joy in their hearts
They had happy childhoods

I too reminisce about the past
I really idolize the 1990s

Before all those really bad things
That started off the 21st century

We are not even a quarter of the way through
And it feels like a mini apocalypse

Just like being in the military
I felt bad how little I rose to the occasion

So the same happened in America
We really over reacted to both war and disease
But not enough to weather changes and causes

We made all the problems worse
And the lasting effects for us were mostly economic

I stopped watching the news around the economic crisis of 2008
I stopped watching most science fiction around 2015

Not long before the pandemic that made us realize
How deep the divisions are in this country
We really need to form a new national constitution

I am trying to remember how I was
Before I became mentally ill
I was too silly then though
Other people don’t like that either

Half the problem is with the medicine
The biggest side effects
Are always being tired and hungry
And being paranoid or depressed
And sometimes both at once

Bipolar disorder gets more positive press
Partly because it is easier to relate with
But there are no ups with Schizophrenia

One of my curses is that I am very ambitious
But I also have huge limitations
Many of which are not visible

The thing that I cannot do that affects me most
Is that I cannot keep any kind of schedule
Either with sleep cycles or volunteering jobs
I cannot commit to almost anything

I did my own website for 25 years
Partly to try to counsel myself
And give an account for what is happening

And a record that not all agreed with
The decisions people made
And the issue they ignored
Because they were inconvenient

Making websites can be as much a rabbit hole
As exploring them can be
Most people stop their personal websites
After just 18 months of working on them

Making a website seems so simple at first
But the difficulty curve never levels
And now so much is demanded
And even legally regulated

Only big corporations can do it well
Many more but smaller companies
Think they can do it
Until they get hacked
And lose the trust of their users

Some just think this is the cost of doing business
But there are a few reasons why
Only a couple businesses rule the web

This is because there is less and less trust
Too many small businesses ran too many near scams
At least when Amazon is hacked
The news reports it

It might seem nice today
To not have to work
But being disabled is no picnic

Most people after 6 months off
Want to go back to work

Living without a job
Makes it much harder to meet people
Even when you do have an income
And Schizophrenia is already very lonely

This is sad because it would be great for society
If people would take on projects
That don’t make money

There is a whole categories of issues
That will likely never be tackled because
They cannot be made into businesses

One of the projects I have taken on
Is to try to reduce both my and others’ suffering

Unfortunately there is little one person can do
Especially when they suffer from multiple disabilities
And have few financial resources

I wish I could improve the lives of animals
But most things animals rights activists do
Are highly ineffective

And I cannot even look after a plant
I do everything I can for my stuffed toys
Who are very fortunate and downright spoiled

I also wish I could do more
Because I know we all make the world worse
Just by living in America today

Most people work jobs
But I want to do more good than harm
In my life as well

I used to be so optimistic
But as I get older
Things actually get more difficult

I used to think that growing up
Was very difficult at times
But that was easy
Compared to after graduation

When your eyes are opened
You cannot go back

This is true of religion
This is true of relationships
This is also true in understanding
How the world works

Sometimes maybe forgetting
Certain things would be healing

But I certainly want to remember
Things I should keep from doing
And why I decided that
This is still helpful information

Unfortunately if we really start over
We are unable to really
Learn from our mistakes

Maybe I just think too much
If only we could get our leaders
To be more self reflective