Enough Grace

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by Ben Huot


You are now in the 4th Generation Subsection of the Writing Section

December 13, 2021

In the middle of hell
I lost all hope
Would the pain ever stop?
Would I ever leave?

Sometimes time just stops
And you can do nothing
Sometimes God is silent
At the worst possible time

Sometimes Christians must experience hell
This is not what I signed up for
But there is no going back
To my back an iron door
And before me a monster

But if you go through hell
And God is nowhere to be seen or heard
Or the pain blocks your eyes and ears
What is a Christian to do?

Sometimes you get knocked down so hard
You cannot get up
No matter how much you want to
Sometimes you can get stuck in an earthly hell

You will later realize that Christ
Was standing along with you in the furnace
And He felt all you did
But this later recollection is of little comfort
During that ungodly episode

As Christians we believe we will never experience hell
But this is not true
You can also experience hell for a long time
Some create their own personal hells
Others just get in line
Not realizing what they were told were all lies

What draws someone to volunteer
For something no one should be asked to do?

It is easy to lose your faith
When asked to do something your faith
Is supposed to save you from
None of use can truly understand what hell is
Just as no one can understand the military until they join

Schizophrenia feels like you are constantly in imminent danger
And you never feel safe
You are always worried about bad things happening
And when they do it hurts so much more

In the military I learned how to wait
With no book and without talking
But to be silent and disciplined
While in constant pain
This is more than you can expect of a person

People often ask what discipline means in the Army
It means doing whatever you are told
Immediately and without complaint
There are never any excuses for non compliance
This alone takes a toll on a person

You are literally a tool of the government
We see the mistakes of the government
As comical or ridiculous
But they can and do cause real pain

When a leader screws something up
You have no control in the military
Over anything including your own body
And in some way over your mind as well
Much more of that later on

Many see military service as a sacrifice
Of several years of your life
But the scars can last for your entire lifetime

The military wants you weak and afraid
Because you are more likely to be a follower
You are not encouraged to think independently
One group is given complete power over you
And you are reminded of this constantly

This is what it means to have no power
It means you have no hope
Sin can also lead you down the same road

But God is there even when we are unaware of Him
And some things we just need to accept with faith

Pain really makes faith hard sometimes
It breaks down our ability
For our rational mind
To tell us this is just a short time

But even if the time is short
To us it can be an eternity
Perception and fact may be different
But with pain perception is the only relevant thing

Maybe those with control over their thoughts
Things may be different
Hopefully they will never experience certain types of pain

Anticipation can enhance an experience
But it can also make pain more intense

One thing similar between being a veteran
And having Schizophrenia
Is that it becomes your story and your identity

A person does not just struggle with Schizophrenia
Or just work in the military
They are a soldier
And they are a person with Schizophrenia

The things that happen in your mind
May only be fully real in your dreams
But for a person with Schizophrenia
It does not matter what is real by evidence or proof

The proof is that they feel the pain
The evidence is this is what their brain says
You cannot over rule your emotions
If the rational part of your brain doesn’t work

Although in some situations this can be beneficial
Provided you have the control to turn this on and off
Much as adrenaline or fear itself
Are both useful if they only appear at a useful time

But adrenaline makes you very tired
If it never stops pumping
Fear can be useful too if the warnings are timely
But constant fear is like a dog barking
That has no sense of what a legitimate threat is

Having Schizophrenia makes our brains
Closer to those of animals
As animals have poor self control in some areas

But just as animals
People with Schizophrenia
Can experience God
Just as well as people of sound minds