Stepping Forward in Faith

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by Ben Huot

You are now in the 4th Generation Subsection of the Writing Section

January 7, 2022

I do commit to follow God’s will
At all costs
But I do not know if my heart is in it

I know from experience
It is much easier to commit than to follow through

I also have experienced situations
Where you are pulled through
Without your consent

And there are no limits to your pain
Time wise or intensity wise

I try not to commit to things
That I do not know I can carry through with

I am very hesitant to do something
For whatever good reasons
That puts me in a painful situation
Like being in the military

I am trying to learn from my mistakes
And avoid repeating painful experiences

I must say before I consider
Following through with a possibly similar situation
Than being in the military
I need a real obvious sign only God could give

And I truly have no idea what that would be
To convince me it was really from God

This is the question that comes up
When you make any commitment
Especially when it concerns God

It is better to be honest than devout
Because it does not feel good to let God down

It also makes me think of
How Christians says you only need
5 minutes to save someone from hell

Maybe to say the prayer
But most people cannot change their life’s purpose
In mere minutes

Following God will be costly
As will not following Him

When we take on the commitment
To make God the Lord of our lives
It is a long process that make it possible
To overcome our selfishness and sometimes fear
That we need to honestly accept God’s gift of freedom

Christ describes us as having so much trouble
Admitting we need God in our lives
That it is actually impossible physically, emotionally, and spiritually
And it only happens as a miracle from God

God has to supernaturally intervene
To allow us to conquer our pride
This is true of all people
This is why there is no rank or seniority amongst Christians

Many people today are unwilling to commit to anything
They also see no problem in not following through
I feel differently because I have had different experiences
Maybe also because I am extremely stubborn

I think this was one of the reasons
I was so poorly suited to the military
I am too self reflective in many ways
And see too much of the potential for suffering

Much of this is from the direct experience
Of not doing enough of this
Before I made the commitment

To say I take God very seriously is an understatement

But my fear is great
And I do not know how far I can go
If it gets too hard to continue

I know my only chance of safety is in God
And I know that I could easily lead myself
Into an equally bad or worse situation
By my own poor choices

I remember in the confidence course in basic training
I tried but couldn’t make myself
Repel down a wooden wall face first

Sometimes I wonder why God places no limits
On fear or suffering
Sometimes I wonder what is harder for me
Pain or fear
I do know fear makes pain more intense

I don’t like anything intense anymore
I sometimes find eating something too rich and sweet painful
I no longer desire to take any risks

It is ironic that although I as an American
Live in so much comfort
I still see so many painful possibilities
Completely or partially out of my control

I struggle just to take care of myself
I have stuffed toys because I cannot take care of pets

I have identified best with Lazarus from the Gospels
Who was dead when Jesus arrived
But Jesus did then raise him from the dead

I get peace now from reading the Bible
But it also brings fear as well

I am comforted by what God says
But He often talks of suffering like Christ
And considering the grotesque ends
Of His closest followers

I do not consider myself anywhere in the ballpark of them
In any way save some of their failings
This is why I say my heart is not fully resolved

But I take the step forward and commit with faith
That God will do the impossible
And I will be able to follow through
With what He asks of me