Pain, God and Family

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by Ben Huot

You are now in the 4th Generation Subsection of the Writing Section

July 28, 2022

I want no more adventures
I want no more pain

I have had to deal with several things
That I wish no one else has to go through

I want to be healed
I no longer want to fight
Everyday to survive

I want to get past this
And get on with my life

I want to work a job
And get married
Like a normal person

The thing is I am not normal
One of my biggest obstacles
Is my fear of many things

This is especially true of
What I cannot predict
What I cannot prepare for
What I cannot accept

Fear of the unknown
Is one of the greatest fears
That normal people can relate with

In many ways I appear normal
But that is far from
What I know is going on inside

I do not trust anyone
For a variety of reasons
But I even distrust those
Who are closest to me

It may be wise now
To trust few people
But trusting no one
Including yourself
Is truly disabling

Counseling doesn’t work
If you do not trust the therapist
You cannot hold down a job
If you cannot trust your coworkers

But it is not just trust
That I struggle with

I am constantly dead tired
This is one of the many side effects
Of the one type of medicine
That is effective to treat psychosis

Schizophrenia is very lonely
Because you cannot relate with other people
There are so many things I cannot understand
Because the important parts of my brain
Are damaged or malfunctioning

People see that I am intelligent
And they see I do not work
So they assume my life is easy

If you ever think it is easy to not have work
Talk to someone who can’t find work
Or has taken off work for more than 6 months

I can’t even handle any kind of pet or plant
The day to day rituals
Can be devastating to those with my condition

Many people think that most people’s problems
Are solely due to poor knowledge or understanding
Including many counselors

What makes taking care of myself hard
Is partly a lack of motivation
Is partly that I get distracted easily
Is partly that I overthink it

Is partly that I get stressed out
Because I know I have to continue
To repeat this for the rest of my life

In some ways I have been able to compensate
For my lack of a functioning frontal lobe of my brain
I am distrustful of not only other people and myself
But I also distrust my intuition
And awareness of my surroundings

I know if something seem too dramatic
It is likely a type of delusion
I know life for peons is normally boring

And if anything is too interesting in my life
This is a sign that my perception
Is being impaired or compromised

I see the world as a reflection of my mind
The only things we know are the things we perceive directly
Everything else we accept by faith

Some people are so programmed by society
They believe only what they can see, hear, quantify, and describe
But this is a conscious decision
And certainly not a natural one

Some people think life should make sense
This is quite an assumption
I do personally have faith in Christ
But I believe in little else

When the pain is intense
In its many forms and aspects
It makes it much hard to believe
That life has a purpose

But I truly do believe that many things
In this life make little sense
Bureaucracy is one of them

I experienced this in the Army
And for a couple decades
Navigating the Veterans Administration
With the indispensable support of my family

One of the things that has been so different
About my experiences compared to the normal ones
Is that I continue to have
A positive relationship with my family

They treated me well when I grew up
And I had no reason to reject them

They decided to keep looking out for me
Even though their obligation
Had long since passed

God has also made all the difference
It seems that the only logical answer
That I have been able to do things
That people with Schizophrenia just don’t do

I have kept a adding to my website daily for 25 years
I have written over 3,000 pages over the same 25 years
I have also read and kept up on technology the entire time

This has only been possible
Because God chose to heal parts of my brain
I continue to get more and more independent over time
I master more and more things
That people with Schizophrenia just never do

I definitely have Schizophrenia
As the VA and every psychiatrist
I have met and interviewed with
Has immediately agreed upon

So my performance can only be explained
By divine intervention