I am fully aware people in the majority of the world go through much more than myself continually. But this does not make me feel any better. It only makes me feel worse about myself.
I have had a number of mystical experiences, but they have all been very painful. I think many of us have trouble seeing God, when we are in shock. But when I have had direct spiritual attacks, God has always saved me immediately. In a number of cases God was working in the background, but in some situations I still do not understand, even decades later.
In many ways, I wrestle with fear continually, all the way back to after about a month into being a soldier. The fear I get comes from Schizophrenia and chronic allergic pink eye both of which I got from my military service.
It is a general fear of the future, but the brain wants to make sense of it. The brain does this by producing physical pain and paranoia about specific situations. I have always suffered more from paranoia than voices. I have never had what psychiatrists call disorganized thought.
I also struggle with depression from time to time. I went through a long period of depression around 2008-2010. I had to accept that the world as we know it can end at any time with no notice.
Three major changes in my life happened at the end of this struggle. I got on a new antidepressant, I moved into a new apartment, and I got the just released iPad 1. When COVID broke out in America I was pleasantly surprised things remained as normal as they did.
I have realized Hollywood is the source of a major part of the world’s suffering directly or indirectly. Over time I have been cutting Hollywood out of my life more and more.
I stopped watching news around 2008-2010, but I still read about technology news almost daily. I stopped watching science fiction in 2017. I have stopped watching Apple TV this year in 2024.
I used social media briefly, but currently have no active accounts and do not desire to ever set any up ever again. I considered using Facebook, to promote my website, many years ago. But I never did so because they would not allow you to disable comments, no matter how much you paid them, even for business or government accounts.
My first way of dealing with my illness was to stay busy. I had and still have a strong desire to give back to the world. I know living as an American has a very negative impact on the majority of the world.
Most people contribute by working jobs, but I am unable to work. I tried volunteering many times, but due to not being able to commit to doing something regularly, not having a car or being able to drive, and not being able to be around cleaners or other toxic chemicals, I have not found any volunteer positions I could fill.
This has lead me to release my writing and graphics, for free, on my websites. Websites take up a huge amount of time, but not much money, depending on how you do it.
I had to cease major development of the website this year due to its size and complexity. It will remain online and functional for the foreseeable future. It has already been online for 25 years now.
Recently I have come back to church in 2021 and am currently working on learning more about God and the Bible. This is one of the best things for me to spend time and money on. It is one of the few things I will take with me after I die.