Some of my early experiences with religion, debate, and relationships did not go well. This has heavily influenced my perspective on these issues, to this very day.
I was never good at debate and remember losing debate after debate, at speech tournaments. I was involved in too many after school activities at once and so I did not practice adequately. I had the same problem with learning to play a musical instrument.
I had an interesting experience one of the summers, when I staffed at a Boy Scout Summer Camp. We debated the Bible and tried to convert each other from their faith to our faith. At one point, they convinced me that Mormonism was consistent with the Bible. I, being stubborn, reverted back to Protestantism the next day, when I woke up.
I remember a debate we had in high school, but not on the speech team. I went wildly off script, in that I did not follow the advice of the adult advisor, and it ended in a shouting match. The topic was very controversial at the time. I think it was about euthanasia.
I saw things at that time so simplistically. I quickly realized a better strategy, when I was attending a state school in my hometown, after I left the military. If I talked about my faith in a more intellectual way, then there was more tolerance for my views. This helped me be less emotional about my faith. Just before I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, I decided to not try to convince anyone of anything.
I remember one of the big parts, of what I considered failure in life, came from my interest in tackling challenges, in areas I had little to no natural talent in, to better myself. This also happened similarly in my enlistment in the Army. Later, I did not complete either my entire enlistment, nor did I complete a college degree. This made me feel as if I was a failure, before I was diagnosed with a major mental illness.
Early in my studies of philosophy, I either bought or was gifted an anthology of philosophy. I remember learning from a short excerpt from the science critic Feyerband that people change their minds not do to good arguments but rather due to repetition or major life experiences. This further made me resolved that I was on to something with not trying to change people’s minds.
I had an obsession with humility, which was likely due to my failure in the military and in college. I remember taking the first class in the history of philosophy course, at the public university in town. I had to withdraw, because I forgot to write a paper in time. My take away, at that time, after reading about the trial of Socrates, was that he was a smart Alec.
The feeling of failure led me to the study of Philosophical Taoism and onwards to study many other philosophies. Traditionally, in China, scholars, who failed their entrance exams, often dropped out of society and called themselves Taoists, to save face. One of the big factors that drew my interest in philosophy, especially with Buddhism, was that I had trouble understanding it at first.
I seldom do anything half way and am too stubborn to give up on projects I find important. I pursue the course, until I have mastered the skill or learned enough about to have an informed opinion.
-- November 2025