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Best of Psychology Series 4-8

by Ben Huot

November 8, 2020

in more formats

First Things

From Psychology 4

From Psychology 5

From Psychology 6-8


First Things


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From Psychology 4

As It Is or As It Should Be, An Epic Poem

Walking Forward


So cold and so dark

An empty calm

A simple choice

A dedication to a plan

A complete course of action

Across the vast expanse

Lonely and windy

Small lights far away

Step by slow step

A great weight to carry

My destination years away

How far can one’s mind imagine

In each one of my thoughts

I pass a sign

I only know what to do

When I get there

The journey is all only within my own mind

Tracing circles with feet and hands

The process is the outcome

A relaxed walking stride

An empty but serious expression

The land is flat

With hills and valleys

My walk is straightforward

But my thinking never is

Varieties of Loyalty


Is it crazier to think God doesn’t exist

Or that I do not exist

Is it crazier to not follow My Creator

Or not to follow my own way

We fail to ask the right questions

We are too much in a hurry

To even stop talking and fighting

There are greater things to fight for

Then just political processes

There are loyalties that stretch

Far beyond our own place and time

We think that the most important lines

Are the ones people make on paper

We divide our spoils across

Mountains, rivers, and straight lines

We fear that another group

Just like our own

Will tell us what to do

Is it ever worth it

To suffer for other people

To merely serve under another name

We think we can find a solution

But the situation will need to resolve itself

Many will survive the process

But few people will be alive afterwards

Internal Struggle


Why does my heart hurt so much

Why does the pain have no cause

Can you hurt for lack of something

Can you succeed by letting go

Is not the greatest obstacle

Our own lack of self control

How do you fight the enemy

When it lives within you

Weapons made by people

Are only effective against other people

But what do you do

When your feud is between your heart and mind

It is often for those who learn to be strong

To hold their heart in captivity to their mind

But how do we define success in self-mastery

When we cannot even define what it means to be rational

What if the crazy is in your heart and not your mind

What if your mind is not strong enough

To hold your heart within its grasp

How can you win

When you cannot even imagine what that would mean

Fear of What


What is your greatest fear

Is is your country or yourself

We think that the way forward

Is through mastery of technology

But our technology will only enslave us

Because it is what we created

By our own hands to we sink or swim

We may seek swords or mobs of police

To make us feel safe

But it is by our own minds that we will suffer most

You think that a police state is the worst possible outcome

The worst situation is to be captive to your own rotten heart

We think that as we climb higher on the social ladder

The freer we become

But freedom comes from a clear mind and a disciplined heart

The greatest fear for most is pain

The greatest pain for some is fear

Is not the key to wisdom the pursuit of balance

What is more important to control

Your inner or outer life

But who should rule within

Should the mind dominate the heart

Or the heart control the mind

Everlasting Life


We think within our own page of history

But even this book holds only so many pages

Let us try to think beyond this earth, this galaxy, or this universe

Look beyond what we can see with our eyes or even our minds

Beyond the limits of linear time

Into things not driven by cause and effect

How can we really resolve to live in peace

If we can still have make choices and there are still consequences of our actions

We have lived long enough to become better people

But we have not and so we never will

How can people live for eternity without war or any conflict

How can we accept our differences are not enough to suffer or make others suffer

We just cannot get beyond human nature

It is not because we cannot but that we choose not to

What would morality look like if time did not exist?

Society of Facts


Pile upon pile of paper

Digital file upon digital folder

Our records are in constant flux

We have ceased to be able to distinguish fact from fiction

One minute all this exists

The other minute money no longer exists

One minute a country has a history

The next minute it is forgotten

The meaning of our words

And even the very words we speak and write with

Are no longer within our control

How can you believe in absolutes about laws and countries

When they have become nothing more than

Bullet points in a presentation or cells in a spreadsheet

When people no longer bother to learn

What happens when the truth shifts or simply disappears

How can we live life as we know it

When we do not know who did what

When we know nothing for certain

A society based on facts only works

When you can agree on what those are

If there is no source of truth

How do you know what is real and what is not

Forever War


What is a person to do today

Who believes in something

Who has unique ideas

Or who has a different perspective

It is hard to consider all possibilities

When only two views are represented

It is hard to find truth

When the only truth people know

Is what they want to hear

When your mind is shut

You can no longer learn anything

But it is hard to hear what someone is saying

When they scream and curse at the top of their lungs

It is only in a quiet space

With time and room to think

That we can start to form ideas

That are not just the same

Or the exact opposite of what we are told

When there are only two points of view allowed

And they each have the same amount of sensibility

And an evenly divided population of followers

This is the recipe for a war the will only end

When one side no longer lives

Society for the Mentally Ill


What would it be like

To be in a society designed for the mentally ill

A society where people never knew what was real

A society where you could not trust what is right in front of you

A society where you would depend upon others to look after you and tell you how to live

A society where you would be accepted as normal no matter how paranoid you were

A society where you see someone with symptoms of mentally illness as a capable leader

A society where fear is valued and respected

A society that would rather run from a fight than suffer for no reason

A society where you would not accept what you hear at face value

A society where you cannot own a weapon for any reason

A society where you never know what would happen next

A society who knew true fear enough that would not pay for horror stories

A society where no one would be fit for military service

A society that would have to accept that some people are not going to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of everyone else

A society where people would be afraid to speak up for what is right out of fear if society’s reaction


Building Momentum

True fear

Is when you cannot trust

Your own mind

Or the voices therein

True cynicism

Only comes from experience

True doubt

Comes from your own failures

How do web start

Climbing upwards

From where we are

As a society

To where we want to be

As individuals

Looking inwards is difficult

And making better choices

Is near impossible

Are we really so bad

Or is our society just too tempting

How do you remain above water

When the waves of desire

Nearly pull you under

With the persistence of a spider

Trying to climb out of porcelain

With the intensity of a political argument

In the spirit of a tai chi master

With the subtle movement of a plant growing

With the gentleness of a hug by a stuffed toy

In the hand of God Himself

With nothing on our minds but our Savior

It is not in fighting

That you achieve the best victory

The better victory

Is in never having to hurt or sacrifice anyone

While we emphasize the power of evil

The biggest determining factor is our own will

Is it enough to just never give up

Or is there a special strength that can be tapped into

The only weapon a Christian has is his Bible

The only one we really trust is the Lord

With each step

It is more painful

And each setback more discouraging

Is it in failure that we try learn

Is there anyway to stand united

Within our own hearts, minds, and wills

If we cannot decide definitely the goal of the endeavor

How can be begin a major journey

How do we know what to learn

If we don’t know what we are working towards

It is only in amount of clarity

That we can see past our own desires

It is only in a series of greater and greater changes

That we can start to build momentum

It is only possible to go towards where we decided

When we see no other way

It is a delicate balance of God and us

A tightly created choreography

Fear and Society

Few people understand fear

Few people experience fear

Outside the occasional dream

Or Halloween season movie

Fear gives you energy at first

But over time it tires you to the core

The medicine is very tiring

But adrenaline can be too

What prepared me best for Schizophrenia

Was my military experience

I was constantly tired

And I never got enough sleep

I was constantly terrified

And I felt close to God

The military is a hard life

So much is expected out of you

And the penalties are so enormous

But the people are the best

An army base is the most depressing

Place in the world to live

But they are filled with churches

Schizophrenia's symptoms are much like an addiction

Schizophrenia often shares a person with other disorders

The same people often suffer from depression, anxiety,

obsessive compulsive disorder, trouble sleeping, and tremors

Fixation is one big part of Schizophrenia

Like a person with autism

One of the common fixations is religion

Religion should be important to us all

But there is a kind of special connection we have to God

All jumbled up and confused but still very real

God always seems closer when you need Him most

And social thinking often makes God less real to many people

With each year, I feel more awake

The disease has progressed little in 20 years for me

I think I understand better all the time

Why people react the way they do

When you do different things

It is like being a hunter gatherer

Meeting modern society

I understand feelings and spiritual things

But some of the subtlety to how people talk

Is hard for me to pick up on quick or naturally

And I learn all the time

How to be more gentle, careful, and responsible

Ironically, I may be specially suited to life after

The End of The World As We Know It

No one trusts anyone anymore

Everybody is starting to believe in conspiracy theories

They do not know how to be sure of anything

They realize that life is not rational

They are getting ready for surviving scams and disasters

They are becoming closer to those they share view with

They are forming networks and using non-traditional communications

They are saying less and becoming more reserved

They are becoming more sarcastic and cynical

This is the best time in history to be mentally ill

Maybe we will even be some sort of trusted advisors

The Collapse (Being Exhausted as a Person with Schizophrenia)

What does it mean to be as tired as a person with Schizophrenia

Like a marathon runner who cannot drink any water

While he thirsts beyond measure

Like a soldier crawling through the sand and mud

On his belly everyday without kneepads

Like a wrestler starving and dehydrating himself

For the next competition

Like an addict on his last binge

Like when you drink too much

And only make it back to the bathroom just in time

Like a fan waiting days in life for

Tickets to his favorite band in his town

Like a boy scout after spending all day putting up tents

Finally able to sit down after dark


When you can sleep all day

And still be tired

A kind of weariness that goes down to the bone

When you have to pry your eyes open

To stay awake

When you can barely accomplish

Just one thing a day


When you cannot keep from running into things

And your hand shaking uncontrollably

When you have a hard time getting up in time

To go to the bathroom when you are asleep

When you cannot trust your attention

Long enough to heat your dinner

When you are so tired you cannot unwind enough to get to sleep

Like when you have been fasting or staying awake for 3 days straight


When it is stressful just to listen

To the words of a song

When waiting an hour for a movie is painful

When you cannot sit through a class you enjoy

When you cannot stay awake long enough

To finish watching your favorite show

When you cannot stay alert long enough to play a board game

When you are too tired to complete a paper craft


Like after taking long walks in the rain

And having to wear the same clothes that whole day

Like when going on a diet where all you can eat is salad

When you do not have enough patience to take care of a plant

When you realize it is the medicine that makes you too tired

To remember to take the medicine

What is and What is Not

Some roads are not worth going down

Some things are better left unsaid

Some things are not even speakable

Some things you cannot even imagine

Some people are not worth talking to

Some people you should never anger

Some people you should never challenge

Some situations are not worth experiencing

Some things are better left for others

Some things will save you that you do not understand

You cannot always believe what you plainly see

Some times it is better not to understand why

Some times it will be fear that saves you

There is a reason for everything

Everything has already been planned

We are all actors following a script

Speaking words that are not our own

And doing things we do not want to

There are many levels to understand

There are many levels to some secrets

Some dreams you are not meant to pursue

Some goals are not worth achieving

Some things are so clear that you can see nothing else

Some things are so obvious that you cannot stop tripping over them

We worry so much abut the things we cannot change

And fail to doubt what we think appears before us

God can make things very clear

He can also make doors that cannot be opened by anyone

We all doubt His very existence at times

But some things can only be explained by His presence

He is not just present in everything

He is invulnerable to any trick or power

He created those things that think they can deceive Him

Those that plan against Him are truly foolish

Everyone serves His purposes

Some just delude themselves

Others worship Him as the One True Thing

Everything else doesn’t really exist

We count God’s power and reality

But maybe it would make better sense to doubt our own

We teach children to be creative and know no limitations

But there are many situations you can get trapped in

And many doors you cannot close

Once your brain has sustained certain kinds of damage

There is only so much you can do to compensate

We are not dolls or action heroes

And fixing us is not as easy as using glue or thread

You can be broken in only a way your Creator can fix

Sometimes there are deeper reason for things

And something worse would happen if you were healed

Much as fear can save your life

Sometimes our illnesses and pain keep worse things from happening

It is important to understand that things can always get worse

And you can resolve one problem only to find yourself in greater one

We believe whatever we think we see in front of us

And doubt our beliefs and values

Who is more real

You or God

That is one of the few questions worth asking

If you can answer that question and live your life by it

You may have found the meaning of life

But you get no special insights in return

Nothing more than those who could never understand

You think you can avoid choosing between God and you

You are already standing before Him

You are not going anywhere

Because you are already there

Blind us to this world

That we may see nothing but your face

Give us the strength to merely survive until Your return

Give us the will to resist until the day we die

Sometimes it is better to forget

Then to know to avoid something

From some injuries you will not recover


Will it Ever Get Easier?

In the instant

It takes to strike a match

To light a candle

So the answers

Come in the utter darkness of my soul

In the depths of a winter night

In an empty feel of grass

A bit of trash shines brilliantly

Pointing towards a better tomorrow

It is like living your life again

Starting as a child

With the smells of crayons and peanut butter

The sound of a ball hitting the ground

Learning again what it means

To discover something for the first time

Sometimes we glorify a return to humble beginnings

It is a romantic notion to think we can recover our direction

While keeping our freedom as can adult

Freedom and direction swirling together like orange and vanilla

It is like when I first left for basic training

When there was still hope in the world

Where we still thought it possible

To solve our problems through human means

The late 90s before the official start of the war

Between the US and the south central part of the world

When global warming could have conceivably been avoided

When we still thought our government cared

And that people still treated each other with respect

Where there were still limits to what we did and didn’t say

A short time of peace for my country

Where we had won the last great war

It is a kind of timeless mythical era of peace

Soldiers are often considered brave and strong

But winning modern wars does not allow for this

The modern army wants conformity and no critical thinking

They want you to be gullible and lack the desire to ask questions

It does not matter what we want in the modern world

Things are decided beforehand

And then the public makes a symbolic vote

That even in its irrelevance reaffirms that

What is easy is what is considered right

The young and uneducated want the easy route

In an effort to not offend anyone and get buy in from the people

To send their children to suffer in and because of war

We manufacture this ridiculous link between God and country

If we want to change history we need to study more than the last 2 centuries

To study only ancient and modern history

Is like not reading the middle 90% of a novel

If we truly want to serve God, we have to think beyond politics

You cannot have 2 masters — choose Christ or people

Perfectly Balanced Life

My life is perfectly calm

Even my dreams are entirely peaceful

People expect the mentally ill

To not act like they are mentally ill

I know how to follow orders

I always try to blend in

I am always completely balanced

I always draw only rainbows and hearts

Even in my dreams I am always upbeat

I express myself in controlled words

Even my thoughts are always steady

I am always stable and ok

Even in my strongest emotions

I never break a blank look on my face

I feel only mild happiness

I never encounter difficult feelings or situations

I am never in need of help

I would never accidentally step on a weed

I would never raise an eyebrow

I will never mispronounce a word

I will never be angry or afraid

After all, I would never be someone

You need to deal differently with

I would never overreact or overstate things

I would never be sarcastic

Under any conditions


From Psychology 5

I Am Getting Older


We fight time

But maybe it would be better

To embrace it instead

Like a pool of water

With another world at the bottom

We can only imagine

How close we are

To waking from this life dream

Like reaching out at arms length

Maybe Heaven is right before us


What we do know is death

Is not our ending

Life is only the preface

To the books of our lives

Like the trailer for a movie

Gives a poor indication

Of what happens in the movie

Like the movie reviewers

Give unreliable and inconsistent reviews

So we cannot rely on

The advice of so called experts

Like vampires or werewolves

Don’t spend this life chasing for

Great experiences or even great peace


Like looking at the shiny wrapper of candy

And then tasting it for the first time

Like learning how to add and subtract

And then you have to solve calculus word problems

Like listening to music in your own room

And then seeing a live concert

Like not being able to speak clearly

And then win a national essay contest

Like being a generally disciplined person

And then learning to meditate properly


Like studying psychology

And then having to deal with your own depression

Like a young kid being raised to make good decisions

And then seeing the Internet for the first time

Like being in church listening to a sermon

And then having your first mystical experience

Like imaging the military from fiction

And then experiencing it first hand


Like being afraid of bad people

And then knowing you should fear yourself

Like trying to understand complex theology

And then realizing God saves you from death not pain

Like having a good time in Scouting

And then entering the gas chamber in military training


What do we do in life

If not strive to do be better and do better

The best thing to accomplish in life

Is to fight to the very end

To keep the faith

And avoid the most foolish mistakes

We think of becoming famous

Or solving some great problem

Will make our lives worth more


The only reason why we are still worth anything

Is that was God’s decision for that to be

Throughout most of the earth

And throughout most of history

Most people just withstand life

Winning in life gets you no metals

And only adds to your responsibility


Do not seek anything you cannot carry with you

Seek the Lord your God

And this relationship will be the one thing

That will pass with you

Death makes us all truly equal

As we exit without any resume

Dark Things


Things unwritten

Things unhoped for

Things fought within

Things to never speak

Things that bring no joy

Things that are lost

Things that have never been

Things undreamed of

Things without direction

Things implying no belief

Things withdrawn from society

Things never attempted

Things never imagined

Things costless and costly

Things without meaning

Things ungenuinely felt

Things without names or descriptions

Things that don’t exist

Things less than zero

Things of no value

Things to never trust

Things I cannot remember

Things I cannot buy

Things I can live without

Things without form

Things transparent

Things small and insignificant

Things colder than death

Things I don’t want to share

Things hidden beneath

Things lost in the dark

Things that cannot be defined

Things that are less than more

Things that are not there

Things that never change

Things that oppose everything

Things that dwell within

Things that endlessly spin

Things I cannot see

Things without possibilities

Things we cannot escape

Things we are lost without

Things we cannot make up

Things we cannot accept

Things we pass on to others

Things no one would understand

Things with no place

Things that require patience

Things that accept nothing

Things that wrestle us

Things that require more than we have

Things that never die

Things that are part of us

Things that never slow down

Things that make us sad

Things that frustrate us

Things we do not belong with

Things we cannot reconcile

Things we know are not true

Things we keep in our minds alone

Things we keep running into

Things we struggle without

Things we cannot stand

Things never compromised

Things never said

Things lost in history

Things we like to forget

Things without relevance

Things we cannot pass on

Things we side step

Things we cannot reach

Things that will never heal

Things we do without focus

Things we do without commitment

Things that have no description

Things that disappear after seeing

Things we cannot destroy

Things we never lose sight of

Things to fear and run from

Things unlike anything else

Things unnatural and artificial

Things that are never special

Things that resist understanding

Things we never conquer

Things we don’t ever encounter

Things that don’t ever happen


Disruptions in Thinking


A voice says its God

It starts out quiet

And gradually increases

In quantity and volume

How do you know

If God is really talking


Is it okay

To drown out the noise

Useful suggestions

Warnings from danger

Is this really God


I call on the name of God

Like a lightening bolt

I break through layers

And layers of dreams


I hear a knock at the door

Waking me up

From a deep dream

Who would be knocking

On my little door


A sharp pop and a creak

I come out of sleep

Like it is

When the heart burn

Rush up my throat

What now?


When I hear a buzzing around

Constantly in the background

I wonder who to attribute

This annoying repetition

Does this have significance

What does this mean


I see a strange symbol

On my bedroom ceiling

Is it a shadow

Is it painted over

Stain from some accident

What qualifies as important


My dream is terrifying

A short while after

Finishing a major project

Is it just stress delayed

Or is it more sinister


When I get a thought

When should I pursue

Writing an entire poem

Should I plan ahead

If it stresses me

Should I be entirely spontaneous

But where do I draw the line


What is significant in life

What is not

When should I push ahead

When should I push back

When do I cooperate

When do I resist


When should I doubt myself

When should I be confident

When should I believe others

When should I believe myself


When should I be afraid

When should I ignore it

We Have a Hard Time


We have a hard time

Understanding the spiritual world

Because we assume too much

We have so little imagination


We have such a poor understanding

Of cultures who understand spiritual things

We assume everything is visual

We assume there is a fixed line

Between physical, mental, and spiritual things

We also doubt the reality of things

That simple math cannot measure

We feel a need to be objective

And are unwilling to accept any mystery

We want everything explained

In terms of our personal experiences


We want things to happen that confirm

Our religious beliefs and other ideologies

We have too much pride

And too little knowledge or experience

With anything outside our neighborhoods

Few of us have had mystical experiences

Few of us can accept limitations

We have little appreciation for sacrifice

We fail to see a connection

Between the supernatural and the ethical

We have a hard time accepting

The reality and seriousness of sin and evil


We so no connections between religions

Philosophies and mythology

From different cultures and times

We have a very limited

Understanding of time and history

We even have a hard time

Making connections between cause and effect

We think that all religions are equal

We think we can believe anything we want

And that either makes it true

Or it doesn’t really matter


We see Christianity and math as western

We see Christianity through western eyes

We do not study the premodern era

We have few records of deep history

And they are not very reliable or accurate

We fail to see connections

Between religion and science

And understand what can be explained

By math and what cannot

We are unwilling to consider

And look down on conspiracy theories

We are too concerned with what other people

In our lives think


We have poor self knowledge

We don’t know our place in reality

And what forms our identity

In modern day America

Few people have anything permanent

About their personality or beliefs

Many fear death

Because they think they have no souls

We want everything documented in simple words

We assume we have words for everything

We expect so much of others

And so little of ourselves

We are impatient

And have short attention spans

We do not want to be alone

We don’t ever want to think or read

And we don’t want to follow rules

Or accept the need for them


We know very little

But think we know everything

What It Means to Rest


How do we truly rest

How can we achieve

And reach our goals

How do we finish everything

But not have everything end

We need to look beyond

Our understanding of time

We need to be mindful

Of what we are doing now

Instead of living

For the past or the future

We need to live in the now

We give our cares and worries to God

We win when we stop the fight

We are good enough as we are

Of course we can and will improve

But we find contentment in

In where we are now

We need to come to a peace

That we have done all we can

And just accept our limitations

We need to look beyond what we do

And to who we are


Sometimes it is the simplest things

That are the hardest to accept

Sometimes the greatest things

Take up the smallest amount of space

Sometimes the things that are free

Are worth the most

Some things everyone can do

Are the most special

We can easily fall into a trap

Where we are so frustrated

With the way things are

That we cannot accept

That we cannot end them

It is not a defeat

To understand that we all have limitations

We live in a world

Where good people do bad things

And bad people do good things

There is no system

That will ever explain things

There is definitely no system

That will solve our problems

This world is full of sorrow

But God is greater than the world

We need to not hold ourselves responsible

For things we have no control over


In addiction they talk of the serenity prayer

Something like

Grant me the strength to accept the things

I cannot change

And change the things I can

And have the grace to know the difference

In Heaven as in life

It is not the sum of our accomplishments

But a journey that never ends

If you can imagine

Doing nothing and being happy

And find that peace on earth

You can start to imagine

That God is creative enough

To keep us busy forever

And knows us well enough

To know when we need to rest

Life is not the mere accumulation of memories

But about learning from our mistakes

And being content with what we are

Heaven is not the end but the beginning

Spontaneous Faith


Another voice in my head

This one out of place

Simple clear words

Ageless male voice

Timely, relevant and useful information

Why does God communicate so clearly

In the most tragic and shocking situations

Why does God only shout

When we are in pain

Why does breakthrough

Only seem to happen

In spontaneous bursts

Years and years of struggle

Then understanding comes instantly


Is the Gospel of John

So much better

Than the other Gospels

Do I understand best in poetry

Or do I just like a challenge

Why must simple things

Be so complicated for so long

And then not at all

At one time faith was straightforward

Then is became difficult over time

And the answers were few and far between

Then faith became simpler

All of a sudden


Sometimes it is easier

To see in the dark

Sometimes the light

Is just too bright elsewhere

We get so many competing thoughts

We get pulled in so many different directions

Sometimes things are so unclear

And there are so few options

Sometimes the choices are so bad

We think the best choice

Is the least bad option


Like the clarity of handwriting

Varies so much according to the person

But on the computer each font renders consistently

According to its exact specification

Sometimes the answer for that situation

Only becomes clear in an instant

Many years later

Sometimes it take us a long time

To work through things emotionally

Even when these questions

Have obvious answers

The Bible talks of having

Only one of two masters

You can only serve one

And hate the other


This comes as hard to understand

In a culture that prides itself

On guaranteed freedoms

We are really less individuals

Than we like to think

And our idea of what freedom means

Is really warped

Spiritual freedom does not

Make us free from

Responsibility, suffering, or morality

It does not even make us free

From being under authority

When we say freedom

We usually mean belonging

As in being part of something

Greater than ourselves

Only in abusive situations

Is this another individual person


We like the idea of choosing

Every little detail about our lives

When we are young and understand little

We choose to be free of authority

As much as we can at first

We end up choosing something

Or someone else to follow

Some people join the military

Some people join a cult

Some just try to fit in with friends

Some people try to be different

To stand out

But usually this is only done superficially


So what does freedom in Christ mean

It means being part of

The family of God and His Church

The real true dignity

We have been given

Is in the title of child of God

As the exercise of God’s free will

He has chosen to bear

Almost all the sacrifice needed

To reconcile His perfectly good character

With our bad behavior

Then we have the freedom

To accept God’s offer or not


The sad part is

That many are unwilling

To submit to His rule

In their lives

And so risk suffering for eternity

For nothing but their pride

In the end in their path

They will have even less freedom

In any sense

Than if they would have

Just followed God

And often then

it will be too late

To accept God’s offer


Spiritual faith by definition is spontaneous

But living your faith

Takes your entire life


From Psychology 6-8

King and Queen


King of Hearts

Queen of Spades


If you lose yourself

To find yourself

If life only matters

In royal service

Who do you fight

And who do you trust


If choosing one

Means offending the other

You cannot please both

But if the choice

Is between joy and misery

Don’t you already have the answer

One will dig your grave

The other will be the love of your life


On the board of chess

The King can only move one space

And the Queen anywhere

But only the King matters in the end

Victory goes to the King always


We are only pawns or peons

We struggle with the knights and bishops

In our daily lives


But what if the King shared his moves

With all the peons

What if they could all become knights

And live on after crossing the board


Maybe the Queen is the problem

Maybe she is only a bishop

And just has delusions of grandeur


Each move goes towards one set of events

One act leads to others

And a course is set

There are only so many moves left

You can find yourself cornered

Before you know it


If only we knew all the possibilities

Would we make all the same choices

But if we knew the ending

Would we try the same gameplay

And would we find success


The possibilities are limitless

But in the end all that matters

Is the heart of the King

And how you make it

To the other side of the board


Each step builds the other

And determines who you are

But the ending is decided in a moment

And you can reflect so long you lose your turn


Each will be forced to make a move in the end

Sometimes in the very first move

The game pace and strategy is set


Other times the entire board shifts

And the game itself is transformed

Then you are no longer playing chess


And then not even a game

Then you are all alone

And it is just you, the King, and the Queen

Virtues of Doubt

How can a person of faith

Be full of doubts


Doubt is the beginning of faith

For faith must start with honesty

And we are not born with faith

Because faith is a choice


We must always doubt ourselves

Because to have faith in oneself

Is a sure route to failure and heartbreak


Having self doubt is a strength

Everyone except God will fail you

At times you will fail yourself


How sad what it be to believe only in yourself

But faith is a process not an outcome

Faith is the process of getting to know God


In this world we require proof

For the basis of our civilization

In every one of our interactions

The modern world is based on controlled doubt


But doubt is useful in building faith too

For doubt is humility in intellectual matters

To say you do not doubt in your beliefs

Is to say you equal God in wisdom


Be careful on what you claim to know

For you will quickly find

You can be sure of very little in life


Overextending our faith into human ideologies

Happens when you tie faith too closely to politics

What happens when your faith is shattered

In your human leaders as they always fail


Doubt can literally save your life

It saved my mind because I doubted reality itself

And this allowed me to seek and accept treatment


To be too sure of yourself is a form of pride

The surest way to prevent pride

Is to understand how little you know

Which is also a sign you have a love of learning


Doubt protects from more than just pride

It allows you to see faith from another point of view

And to only believe in what is essential

We need faith on God

Not because we do not understand

Nor do we need more proof of His existence


Faith is choosing to obey God

In obeying God, we follow human laws too

But we are still to doubt the human doctrines of the world


God is thinking on another level

To say you understand even the Bible fully

Is to say you are equal to God


In existentialism we are never fully sure of ourselves

As it is in other schools of philosophy

This doubt allows us to critically think

About why we make the decisions we do

And take full responsibility for our choices


Existentialism is falsely accused of allowing people

To invent their own ethics that change with their moods

In Existentialism, every decision you make is universal

It forces you to admit that you are making choices

Even when you follow a code of ethics


Existentialism teaches that we create our own futures

By the choices we make

A person is not a rock

A person isn’t fully created until they die


Whether we want to admit to or not

All of us know what is right and wrong

No matter if it is written down anywhere or not

To doubt the doctrine of your church

Is not the same as doubting the resurrection of Christ


In any study of theology

We have to ruthlessly stop our pride

From allowing us to be blind to our limitations

That is the problem with any theology

Or tradition or decision of church authorities

That claims to be on par with the Bible


To the extent that we can not question it

Theology is a necessary evil

Because Scripture speaks for itself

And the point of all life and Christianity specifically

Is the glorification of God

And the redemption of the entire human race

One person at a time as individuals

Of all who are willing to follow God

Theology is not what we worship

But a living God


Ultimately what God calls us to do

We will do whether we like it or not

Believers and unbelievers alike


Think about how the Apostle Paul

Was forced to lead the Church

Even as he was one its greatest enemies

At the time of his salvation


So even when you church leaders fail you

Or you come to see another church

As being more faithful to Scripture

Make sure your faith is in God

And not His servants

One will fail you and the other will not


Allow there to be a distinction

Between what one believer says

And what God says in the Bible

This will save your heart

As well as your soul


Doubt people and doubt yourself

Have faith in God regardless

As He never loses faith in you


(When you doubt God pray for faith

And continue reading the Bible

And meet with other Christians

Your faith will return)

Making a Life Plan


What is the key to success

In any endeavor



Every negative-sounding quality

Has a positive aspect to it

And the reverse is also true


People tend to be negative on stubbornness

Because it keeps people from doing

What they want others to do


Why am I still not giving up

On this project I started

Over 2 decades ago now

Stubbornness is the most accurate reason


It is not a pretty trait

Many traits are useful

And the key is to controlling them

And not letting them control you


The biggest problem of why thing aren’t done

Is because people fail to commit to and complete them

It is kind like will power and a kind of discipline

There are many times you should listen to others

But there are some times you should not


How do you know the difference

Consulting the Bible and praying are a good start

That you have already worked on something for a while

Is also a good sign that it is worth completing

You have to know when to cut your loses as well


The difference is that life will make it possible

Or you will be kept from doing it by everything

God does not leave these things to chance

Jonah tried to evade God

So God forced him using a miracle


The best way to start is to find something that you find compelling

That is not a vice and does not hurt you or anyone else

If it also alleviates your or someone else’s pain

You are to a good start


Not everyone

Actually very few

Have time to do more than work and raise their kids

This is a very important one

But not everyone has that option either


I think picking one thing you can do

And keeping to it

As long as no one is getting hurt in the process

Is where to start


Ultimately the goal of everyone should be to glorify God

The second thing is we have a big time issue

We have eternity at one end and a very short time period on the other

We have to weigh in the eternal things as a bigger focus

Your life really does not start until after you die


So in light of eternity and factoring in what you can do

Decide what to do over time

But do not worry too much about it

Because God is always primarily in control

Not us


And He leaves little to chance or human decision

If it is something that has to be done one way

The other thing to consider is that there are very few things

That have to be done one way


God is creative and combining this with service for God

By helping others out of unnecessary pain

Is a noble type of life focus


As we understand God and spiritual things best through faith

You have to realize you may see no effect in your lifetime

But God can and does use even poorly designed things to great effect


It is ironic that God can always do a better job than us at anything

God even makes a more believable person than us as well

But He still chooses to use people especially ones without the proper skills


All in all focus on your eternal life not this one

Save people in both lives and from suffering in each

But realize whatever you create can fall apart


You have to do your best to preserve your efforts

But ultimately it is God’s choice alone as to how long

Or in what ways what you create is used


In my project that I have been working on for over 20 years

I started writing and working on my website

As I needed to stay away from (toxic) chemicals

As I had a sensitivity from the military


I had done poorly in school

After coming back from the military

But had not yet been diagnosed with Schizophrenia yet


I was trying to find another type of career

As I hated Business Management so much at that time

Although I think running a business is one of the greatest challenges

And I would find it much more interesting to study today


So I switched to another good career choice

Writing in the form of Journalism

Which is a very poor career now

It is on the verge of being entirely done by software

But shorty after this I was diagnosed with a mental illness


I have tried many times to learn programming

But never succeed because it stresses me out too much

And one of the keys to getting the medicine working

Is to also have a low stress lifestyle

Otherwise the medicine is cancelled out by the stress


But I continue to get ideas to write about to this day

That is the key to writing well is to writing when inspired

Especially when you want to keep your stress low


Writing as a way of communicating is on the way out as well

Everything has been going to video online for years

The only thing that slowed it down was how slow the pipes were

Just like TV overtaking reading when I was a kid


Video has overtaken written content online a long time ago

Even tiny devices do not discourage video consumption

I have also considered using video and multimedia as a way to communicate

I have found that mixed media is a lot of work and not ideal for anyone

Video experimentation online for me has been limited by the fees involved


I have also got interested in making things efficient

And reaching as many people as possible

Who don’t have the most expensive devices


In areas with really poorly built infrastructure

In far away places like rural America

And downtown in major American cities

What I Learned from the Army

Life Lessons


Pain can be limitless

In duration and intensity

God will not always save you from it

You cannot trust that your experts

Will actually succeed in lowering your pain

Even if they do understand your condition

Relaxing always helps when in pain

It is almost impossible for me to relax

I do poorly even under moderate pressure

If my life depending on me doing something I would die


Nothing is foolproof

Things can always get worse

Sometimes you can be forced

To do what you find scary

You will fail yourself sometimes

And others will fail you at the worst time


You only have a short time

With those who are important to you

You may never see them again

And never even hear when they leave


The church can and often will give faulty advice

Or steer you in the wrong direction

If you need psychological help

And you are unique or intellectual

You will need to study philosophy

And write your own self help book


You are often your on worst enemy

And you can get yourself into more trouble

Than those plotting against you


Some things are funny and some are not

If you cannot distinguish easily between the two

Never try to be funny in any situation


Do not be too important or essential

Boring is ok and often preferred


Time can go very fast or very slow

Short periods of tie appear very long when you are in pain


When the stress gets too great

Everyone screws things up


It is very easy to control another person

And there are endless ways to cause pain


Sometimes you cannot escape fate

Sometimes life makes little sense



Everything I write about the army only applies to enlisted soldiers

Officers have an entirely different world they operate in

And it is truly a night and day difference

Many things I talk about the military philosophy sometimes precede the birth of the US and are common in other militaries of the world both historically and internationally

I was in the military in the mid 1990s so things have changed a lot since them

Although much has likely not changed

The Army is the main focus although I know to an extent about the other services as well

How the Army is Different


You hear about the Marines all the time

Because they are sent in first before a war is declared except for the Army and other special forces because of legal reasons

And because it is often more convenient for the US to launch amphibious attacks because of logistical and geographic reasons

The Army is basically the common man service and there is no glory in serving in it

The Army does the really hard work of holding land and routing out terrorists as well as spearheading invasions

The Army special forces have one of the hardest and least advertised job in the military

They go in before any regular troops and find, train, and lead average people in allied groups in the area and make them into a real army

What the Army thinks of themselves as doing best is training

The Drill Sergeant is actually an important position in the Army and it is competitive and difficult to become one

Many of our Drill Sergeants were special forces trained

The Army is the one service that does not get an air force besides small drones and helicopters

Army equipment, even tanks and helicopters are much less expensive than Navy or Air Force equipment

The Navy even not including the Marines was probably bigger than the Army at the time I was in

The big task the US Navy does is patrol every ocean and sea in the entire world all the time

Many army bases allow anyone to come on base as they have nothing bigger than jeeps

And all the rifles and small artillery are locked down

The army is basically all foot soldiers on the front line for any job

Army Philosophy


The Army does not want you to be smart, self-motivated, or even think at all and does not even promote heroism unless it is specifically necessary for the mission

Our and European countries have fought and won wars by installing a mental mindset called discipline

Discipline is partially about following orders and being a team player but it also extends to your emotional perspective

The Army has its own culture and the reason for that is because people come to the military from a wide variety of backgrounds

So when you got to an unfamiliar, hostile, and frightening location far from home you can depend on the military doing things the same way

If you never adjust to this culture emotionally even if you follow orders and work very hard you will have internal emotional struggles your entire time in the service

That is essentially what happened to me and the stress triggered a genetic predisposition I had to Schizophrenia

Most of your time in the Army you are either at the rifle range, cleaning something, or moving something



The military waves a certain percent of their members on any particular qualification needed to do anything in the military

If you cannot hit a target if your life depended on tor even under no stress

This does not disqualify you from the military

You can’t really fail out of most military (infantry type) trainings (except special forces)

You usually just repeat it over and over again

The military doesn’t really go under the assumption that anybody actually want to be there as they have to work people who are drafted (historically)

The military still want enlisted soldier to get a much college credit as possible and that is key to advancing even for the enlisted, but it is very difficult to get the time to take the courses, especially in the Army

If you cannot intellectually understand combat training you are below middle school developmentally and academically

Military training is basically hard for one reason

You are under stress while doing it

The reason why they stress test you in training is because combat is hard because people are shooting back at you not that it is hard to blow things up

That is why terrorism is so cheap and easy

So every military training especially the infantry ones are mostly a stress test

One of the big problems the way our country does combat training is that we only allow them to do kind things in training

The only problem with that is that those who we fight wars with generally are not kind to us at least

We often don’t treat our enemies very well lately either

The military also doesn’t believe in sleep or time off

In fact if you have a non combat role in the military you continue to still train for combat basically after you finish your job your entire enlistment

These are exactly the same things you learned first in basic training

And all Army go to the gas chamber at least once a year

It is filed with tear gas but it is still very painful

That is why they don’t want anyone with any breathing problems enlisting

The reason the Army screws things up constantly is the mission is often the lowest priority

As long as you give 150% and follow all orders you can screw up almost anything in the military constantly and do well in any military assignment

Entering and Leaving the Army


If you don’t like the idea of skydiving into live machine gun fire into a desert or jungle in the middle of the night or you aren’t blessed with mechanical abilities

The Army is the wrong place for you

Most people in the military want out as soon as possible as they find these things out no matter where they are stationed or what job they have

Even if you are mentally ill, you need a US member of congress to get you out

Everyone really signs up for a 8 year term and although the extra part is inactive service you can and likely will be called back in this time frame again due to another war

If you want to re-enlist for another tour you usually get a lot of money in cash and get to be a sergeant which is good on your resume

The downside is that you are now responsible for 4-8 new soldiers doing whatever they are told to do for the next 4 or more years and you get paid about the same as before

It takes weeks to get into the Army and months to get out If you are in for less than 6 months it is as if you were never in

There were about 4 plus types of discharges when I was in the military including, honorable, general, other than honorable, dishonorable and medical

But unless you get the honorable discharge you qualify for no veterans or former military government programs

To get most of the benefits and not have most of the downsides, join the Air Force instead

If you are going as enlisted

The only downside to the Air Force is that it is hard to get promoted as enlisted because people stay in so long

Wise Ones of the Soft World

Leaning back on a soft pillow

Day comes in a flash of light

Night comes equally fast

We rest on a wide expanse

A tall rock stands above us


Sometimes we roll and tumble

Due to the disruptions occurring in the dead of night

Our world is smaller than others

But it stands above and beyond our nearest neighbors

We don’t travel often or far

Our days are empty of excitement


We all earned a place here

By virtue of our leadership roles

If the clothes fit and we accept

White, black, brown, red, green, and blue

We are products of the rainbow of our creators imagination


The Chinese proverb says

This is where we are mostly from

Softness and warmth are better than hardness and strength

We are soft to the touch

But strong of mind

Our hearts bleed for our friends


We have a white glow that comes from within

We love being hugged and held

We are not tall in stature

Or strong and in shape

Just like the water we try to avoid

We are subtle

As a reflection of our furnace

We emit warmth


We sit so still that we can pick up dust

But our imaginations race far and wide

Our adventures and growth are usually internal

It is said that the sage never travelled but knew all things

We who live in close quarters

Try not to sit on sharp things


Bits of money sometimes rain down

As well as receipts from new recruits

We are all friends mostly

But we have the occasional revolt

There are only two faction though


We sometimes itch

But there is often someone to scratch us

We get cold in the winter

And summer is equally cold

But the furnace keeps things toasty

Especially at night

We do sometimes get moist with sweat


Our guardian angel is visible

And we can directly ask Santa for presents

We are of many different species

But we all bleed white

Our bodies seldom move

But we have real souls


We have to leave our soft spot

Every other week

As the expanse shifts and changes color

We accept our role in life

As many have learned to

In your world as well


When we are sad

Our faces show it

So the others can cheer us up

Even though smiles are sewn on our faces


In times of great change

When our world turns upside down

We hold on to each other

There are times when

Our world fundamentally changes


And sometimes things even

Crawl on us in the night

We fight the little invaders

By setting out bad things for them to eat

We don’t need to eat

There is nothing those scary little guys can take

Most are very small

As the giant doors close tightly


It seems every few years

We are in a new location

They seem to be getting better all the time

Several times our world actually shrank

But none were left behind

But each new location was an opportunity

To find new ways to arrange our world

We like challenges

As they give us something to do


We enjoy the live concerts

The voices come from a little blue box

Sometimes the Bible reads itself to us

Other times it sings a wide variety of songs

It blinks blue at night

To let us know it is all right


We watch our guardian closely

More like an older brother

To make sure he takes his medicines

One time he talked of parachuting us

We don’t want to take any chances


He seems to sleep a lot

He makes a lot of noise

So we know he is still alive

But many days can be gone half the day

Recently he stays in more often because of a cold


He is not afraid of much

He can even move quite fast

And he can trap and release

The scary little things easily

As he is many times their size

He is bigger and stronger

Than the biggest among us


Sometimes he gets hurt

If he sleeps on the wrong side

Or if he jumps up in the night with burning heart

We can watch his dreams

Much as we watch his little screens

These are magic boxes

Where people talk

And there are words and pictures

And some even move


Our guardian seems to get up at random times

And we don’t see the real sun often

As the window being closed makes us cooler

Recently important things

Now have bright colors attached

We often sit on his wallet and keys

So he can’t go out

But he quickly finds them now

Due to the bright colored markings


He also seems to write for quite a while

After the music plays for a while

Or he talks to his father

There is this long list of processes

To put things on a line

He uses a bunch of little boxes

And he goes outside our world

Coming back with his writing

Now written on paper more neatly


I am glad we don’t have to eat

I think he would forget to feed us

No Slack


A coal dropped into

A pot of ice cold water

The room fills with steam

The steam clears

And the water is boiling slow

The pot overflows

And the stove shorts out


When I think about the times

When I had no choice

The freedom I have now is often overwhelming

When you are held down under the water

While swimming in the ocean

By an under current

It is like being in the military


When you effectively have no choice for months

You then get some fairly meaningless choices

But you are separated from family and friends

And you cannot go home for long periods

You are never really finished with training

Even in your relatively free time


You are not told why when you are expected to do anything

Without the privilege of deciding whether it is moral or good for me

There is no time for questions of any kind

Freedom of expression is extremely limited

There are no artistic vocations in the military

The military does have its own culture

But it is very stressful even learning about it


You are slowly told more and more

And your training gets more and more difficult

As you descend into the heart of the beast

As if you are being mentally conditioned

To be part of a religious cult

It also gets more and more difficult to leave


The system must only appeal

To people who never question things

Surely philosophy is the direct opposite of military service

It is not that I object

To working hard or following orders

But I never felt safe nor did I trust anyone

I was constantly afraid


From early on in training

I realized we could and would

Be forced to do even things that terrified us

It would likely be for a good cause

But your safety and well being is never considered


You can always screw things up

And have few responsibilities

But you do not potentially even have

Power over your own body


People who have never served

Have no conception of how dangerous and cruel

The outside world has become

They see marches on TV in their downtowns

And fear that

But if they lived in the Middle East

That would be a slow day


Nothing and no one is really safe today

Even in the middle of America

Our greatest protection is that we are unimportant enough

That no one would risk the wrath of the US

Just to pick on random people like us

If we stay in the United States and are citizens

And we don’t have dark skin and speak another language


Believe it or not but there are entire people groups

That have been so victimized

By nameless people in our names

Both officially and unofficially

And through allies and in other countries

That they see us as invading them first


Many of them believe in God too

They also believe that their God

Is the only one true God

But they do not embrace

The forgiveness and compassion of Christianity


They do not believe it wrong

To destroy their own countries

And hurt their own people

They would make us all slaves if they could

They are not the kind of people

Who accept the place they were born in


They believe they are God’s chosen people

They believe they should be

Wealthy and powerful because of this

They attribute their loss of wealth and power

To their not being devout or radical enough


They have long memories stretching back

A thousand or more years

From their point of view

They were the faithful followers of God

And we are morally corrupt

They believe they have the morally superior argument

And they believe they have been

Treated unjustly and persecuted


What do these two things have in common

War and the training for war

In order for us to fight this other culture

Who are willing to fight us

At any cost to themselves or us

As any effective enemy does


We don’t though do the same thing

At least that is on official records

But this is purely for propaganda reasons

War is a way of destroying things

And is aways very cruel

This does not justify cruelty in war

But it does mean the Army has to train for this


To make someone tough enough

To survive the current types of combat situations

You have to do some very cruel things in training

To properly prepare people

It also would be reasonable

To organize this as the first training


Because if our military is going to be truly voluntary

Recruits should have an opportunity

To see what they really signed up for

Before having no way to get out

Of course no one would sign up then


Our culture wants all the advantages

But does not want to pay the price

Of a civilization fundamentally built

On technologies that wouldn’t work

Without our two wealthiest and most powerful rivals

Being willing to continue to trade with us


Our country tries to play the victim

And that we are the good guys

Much as many empires throughout history have

Saying the world is a little less cruel

Because we control everything that happens in it

They are obviously trying to persuade those

Who are citizens of the empire

Because this is what they want to think

And because no one else would believe them


So the moral of the story

Is to not lie to your people

Claiming you can win wars

Without hurting people

Or that they should be grateful

That we merely spared their lives

While destroying their homes

And their entire infrastructure

So their is no work left for them


Instead we should stop fighting

So many wars in the first place

If any other country

Had their enemies an ocean away

And had so few social problems

Because of their wealth and social conformity

They would participate in many fewer wars


It is hard to imagine

Given the strength of our military

How we can keep losing wars

But the big way we keep losing

Is that we spend too much money on them

No other country has fought

A large inland war on the other side of the world

And won it quick and easy


Not only are we spending ourselves into the grave

We also are angering most other countries

So if we ever need help of any other country

We are going to be in a tough spot


One of these important international agreements

That we don’t want to bother to honor anymore

Include provisions like not torturing

And not using chemical weapons

Doing so is considered a war crime


There is nothing special about America

We are just in better shape

Demographically and geographically and economically

We could be a moral force in the world

But first we would have to give up

Basing our entire foreign policy

On nothing but economics


But greed is considered good here

You take the social out of the gospel

And no one will listen to you

Social justice is as fundamental

To Christianity as sexual morality

No wonder the church is losing

Rich white members in America