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Complete Psychological Topics 5


by Ben Huot


March 4, 2020

in more formats

Table of Contents

First Things


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I Am Getting Older


We fight time

But maybe it would be better

To embrace it instead

Like a pool of water

With another world at the bottom

We can only imagine

How close we are

To waking from this life dream

Like reaching out at arms length

Maybe Heaven is right before us


What we do know is death

Is not our ending

Life is only the preface

To the books of our lives

Like the trailer for a movie

Gives a poor indication

Of what happens in the movie

Like the movie reviewers

Give unreliable and inconsistent reviews

So we cannot rely on

The advice of so called experts

Like vampires or werewolves

Don’t spend this life chasing for

Great experiences or even great peace


Like looking at the shiny wrapper of candy

And then tasting it for the first time

Like learning how to add and subtract

And then you have to solve calculus word problems

Like listening to music in your own room

And then seeing a live concert

Like not being able to speak clearly

And then win a national essay contest

Like being a generally disciplined person

And then learning to meditate properly


Like studying psychology

And then having to deal with your own depression

Like a young kid being raised to make good decisions

And then seeing the Internet for the first time

Like being in church listening to a sermon

And then having your first mystical experience

Like imaging the military from fiction

And then experiencing it first hand


Like being afraid of bad people

And then knowing you should fear yourself

Like trying to understand complex theology

And then realizing God saves you from death not pain

Like having a good time in Scouting

And then entering the gas chamber in military training


What do we do in life

If not strive to do be better and do better

The best thing to accomplish in life

Is to fight to the very end

To keep the faith

And avoid the most foolish mistakes

We think of becoming famous

Or solving some great problem

Will make our lives worth more


The only reason why we are still worth anything

Is that was God’s decision for that to be

Throughout most of the earth

And throughout most of history

Most people just withstand life

Winning in life gets you no metals

And only adds to your responsibility


Do not seek anything you cannot carry with you

Seek the Lord your God

And this relationship will be the one thing

That will pass with you

Death makes us all truly equal

As we exit without any resume

Schizophrenia, Religion, and Culture


What does it mean to have a culture

Or to be part of one

What does someone have to do

To fit in enough to be responsible

Do we learn over time

Or is it something we are born with

Many scientists think a part of the brain

Is responsible for this kind of thinking

This is called the frontal lobe


And is the social or rational part of the brain

When a person has schizophrenia

This is the part of the brain damaged

It is either destroyed or doesn’t function

This is why people with schizophrenia

Have poor impulse control

And schizophrenia has common elements

With addictive behaviors and substances


It is common for people with schizophrenia

To be obsessed with religion

But these obsessions are compulsive in nature

And are not normal manifestations of devotion

We see this in our society in modern America

Because our culture is so anti-supernatural

When someone loses the social part of their brain

They lose some of their barriers to God


This is still solely a disability

Because the stronger connection is distorted

And is not a healthy or true relationship with God

This loss of barriers to God / lose of social awareness

Also means it is difficult for people with schizophrenia

To express themselves rationally

To the extent that most cannot read at length


People with schizophrenia also often hear voices

That they think are religious in nature

But this does not mean they are mystics

A mystic must have the ability to control

And get useful information from their experiences

Otherwise their experiences are just disabling

And there are no productive aspect to this devotion


My experiences with schizophrenia are unusual

Because the most disabling part of my illness

Manifests itself mostly in paranoia or terror

I have trouble socially not so much because of

Trouble expressing myself or reasoning

But because my mind distorts reality via paranoia


I hear voices and sounds representing

The entire range of experiences with voices

And some are actually positive and encouraging

Although generally still irrational mostly


People at first think I am normal

But also realize there is something different about me

But people who have known me before my breakdown

Are never surprised about hearing I am mentally ill


My inability to do a job or to have close relationships

Is more due to my paranoia then due to

The inability to express myself

Or the inability to read or reason socially

The paranoia effects both the mind and the body

The fight for flight response part of the brain

Is constantly activated and I feel adrenaline

Constantly running through my body

Which is exhausting in and of itself

But at the same time

The medicine is slowing everything down

More physically than mentally


Another thing unusual about me

Is that I have been able to accept my disability

And realize I need help

So that I am always on my medicine

And the newest and best medicines

Have worked for me with few of the side effects

Beyond making me excessively exhausted constantly


Stress is a part of many illnesses

And this is being more and more accepted

Within mainstream medicine

Voices and paranoia like many other disabilities

Like allergies and migraines

Are often worse due to stress

And the acute symptoms appear under stress

Either before or after the stress usually


The medicine is not the only main treatment

For schizophrenia

The other treatment is to have a low stress life

High stress can overcome the medicines ability

To suppress the symptoms of the illness


The medicines also have other major side effects

Including causing heart disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes

But the benefits outlay the side effects

As being paranoid is both physically and mentally painful

And all the disadvantages of the medicine

Are much less disabling or burdensome


Dark Things


Things unwritten

Things unhoped for

Things fought within

Things to never speak

Things that bring no joy

Things that are lost

Things that have never been

Things undreamed of

Things without direction

Things implying no belief

Things withdrawn from society

Things never attempted

Things never imagined

Things costless and costly

Things without meaning

Things ungenuinely felt

Things without names or descriptions

Things that don’t exist

Things less than zero

Things of no value

Things to never trust

Things I cannot remember

Things I cannot buy

Things I can live without

Things without form

Things transparent

Things small and insignificant

Things colder than death

Things I don’t want to share

Things hidden beneath

Things lost in the dark

Things that cannot be defined

Things that are less than more

Things that are not there

Things that never change

Things that oppose everything

Things that dwell within

Things that endlessly spin

Things I cannot see

Things without possibilities

Things we cannot escape

Things we are lost without

Things we cannot make up

Things we cannot accept

Things we pass on to others

Things no one would understand

Things with no place

Things that require patience

Things that accept nothing

Things that wrestle us

Things that require more than we have

Things that never die

Things that are part of us

Things that never slow down

Things that make us sad

Things that frustrate us

Things we do not belong with

Things we cannot reconcile

Things we know are not true

Things we keep in our minds alone

Things we keep running into

Things we struggle without

Things we cannot stand

Things never compromised

Things never said

Things lost in history

Things we like to forget

Things without relevance

Things we cannot pass on

Things we side step

Things we cannot reach

Things that will never heal

Things we do without focus

Things we do without commitment

Things that have no description

Things that disappear after seeing

Things we cannot destroy

Things we never lose sight of

Things to fear and run from

Things unlike anything else

Things unnatural and artificial

Things that are never special

Things that resist understanding

Things we never conquer

Things we don’t ever encounter

Things that don’t ever happen


Disruptions in Thinking


A voice says its God

It starts out quiet

And gradually increases

In quantity and volume

How do you know

If God is really talking


Is it okay

To drown out the noise

Useful suggestions

Warnings from danger

Is this really God


I call on the name of God

Like a lightening bolt

I break through layers

And layers of dreams


I hear a knock at the door

Waking me up

From a deep dream

Who would be knocking

On my little door


A sharp pop and a creak

I come out of sleep

Like it is

When the heart burn

Rush up my throat

What now?


When I hear a buzzing around

Constantly in the background

I wonder who to attribute

This annoying repetition

Does this have significance

What does this mean


I see a strange symbol

On my bedroom ceiling

Is it a shadow

Is it painted over

Stain from some accident

What qualifies as important


My dream is terrifying

A short while after

Finishing a major project

Is it just stress delayed

Or is it more sinister


When I get a thought

When should I pursue

Writing an entire poem

Should I plan ahead

If it stresses me

Should I be entirely spontaneous

But where do I draw the line


What is significant in life

What is not

When should I push ahead

When should I push back

When do I cooperate

When do I resist


When should I doubt myself

When should I be confident

When should I believe others

When should I believe myself


When should I be afraid

When should I ignore it

We Have a Hard Time


We have a hard time

Understanding the spiritual world

Because we assume too much

We have so little imagination


We have such a poor understanding

Of cultures who understand spiritual things

We assume everything is visual

We assume there is a fixed line

Between physical, mental, and spiritual things

We also doubt the reality of things

That simple math cannot measure

We feel a need to be objective

And are unwilling to accept any mystery

We want everything explained

In terms of our personal experiences


We want things to happen that confirm

Our religious beliefs and other ideologies

We have too much pride

And too little knowledge or experience

With anything outside our neighborhoods

Few of us have had mystical experiences

Few of us can accept limitations

We have little appreciation for sacrifice

We fail to see a connection

Between the supernatural and the ethical

We have a hard time accepting

The reality and seriousness of sin and evil


We so no connections between religions

Philosophies and mythology

From different cultures and times

We have a very limited

Understanding of time and history

We even have a hard time

Making connections between cause and effect

We think that all religions are equal

We think we can believe anything we want

And that either makes it true

Or it doesn’t really matter


We see Christianity and math as western

We see Christianity through western eyes

We do not study the premodern era

We have few records of deep history

And they are not very reliable or accurate

We fail to see connections

Between religion and science

And understand what can be explained

By math and what cannot

We are unwilling to consider

And look down on conspiracy theories

We are too concerned with what other people

In our lives think


We have poor self knowledge

We don’t know our place in reality

And what forms our identity

In modern day America

Few people have anything permanent

About their personality or beliefs

Many fear death

Because they think they have no souls

We want everything documented in simple words

We assume we have words for everything

We expect so much of others

And so little of ourselves

We are impatient

And have short attention spans

We do not want to be alone

We don’t ever want to think or read

And we don’t want to follow rules

Or accept the need for them


We know very little

But think we know everything

What It Means to Rest


How do we truly rest

How can we achieve

And reach our goals

How do we finish everything

But not have everything end

We need to look beyond

Our understanding of time

We need to be mindful

Of what we are doing now

Instead of living

For the past or the future

We need to live in the now

We give our cares and worries to God

We win when we stop the fight

We are good enough as we are

Of course we can and will improve

But we find contentment in

In where we are now

We need to come to a peace

That we have done all we can

And just accept our limitations

We need to look beyond what we do

And to who we are


Sometimes it is the simplest things

That are the hardest to accept

Sometimes the greatest things

Take up the smallest amount of space

Sometimes the things that are free

Are worth the most

Some things everyone can do

Are the most special

We can easily fall into a trap

Where we are so frustrated

With the way things are

That we cannot accept

That we cannot end them

It is not a defeat

To understand that we all have limitations

We live in a world

Where good people do bad things

And bad people do good things

There is no system

That will ever explain things

There is definitely no system

That will solve our problems

This world is full of sorrow

But God is greater than the world

We need to not hold ourselves responsible

For things we have no control over


In addiction they talk of the serenity prayer

Something like

Grant me the strength to accept the things

I cannot change

And change the things I can

And have the grace to know the difference

In Heaven as in life

It is not the sum of our accomplishments

But a journey that never ends

If you can imagine

Doing nothing and being happy

And find that peace on earth

You can start to imagine

That God is creative enough

To keep us busy forever

And knows us well enough

To know when we need to rest

Life is not the mere accumulation of memories

But about learning from our mistakes

And being content with what we are

Heaven is not the end but the beginning


Spontaneous Faith


Another voice in my head

This one out of place

Simple clear words

Ageless male voice

Timely, relevant and useful information

Why does God communicate so clearly

In the most tragic and shocking situations

Why does God only shout

When we are in pain

Why does breakthrough

Only seem to happen

In spontaneous bursts

Years and years of struggle

Then understanding comes instantly


Is the Gospel of John

So much better

Than the other Gospels

Do I understand best in poetry

Or do I just like a challenge

Why must simple things

Be so complicated for so long

And then not at all

At one time faith was straightforward

Then is became difficult over time

And the answers were few and far between

Then faith became simpler

All of a sudden


Sometimes it is easier

To see in the dark

Sometimes the light

Is just too bright elsewhere

We get so many competing thoughts

We get pulled in so many different directions

Sometimes things are so unclear

And there are so few options

Sometimes the choices are so bad

We think the best choice

Is the least bad option


Like the clarity of handwriting

Varies so much according to the person

But on the computer each font renders consistently

According to its exact specification

Sometimes the answer for that situation

Only becomes clear in an instant

Many years later

Sometimes it take us a long time

To work through things emotionally

Even when these questions

Have obvious answers

The Bible talks of having

Only one of two masters

You can only serve one

And hate the other


This comes as hard to understand

In a culture that prides itself

On guaranteed freedoms

We are really less individuals

Than we like to think

And our idea of what freedom means

Is really warped

Spiritual freedom does not

Make us free from

Responsibility, suffering, or morality

It does not even make us free

From being under authority

When we say freedom

We usually mean belonging

As in being part of something

Greater than ourselves

Only in abusive situations

Is this another individual person


We like the idea of choosing

Every little detail about our lives

When we are young and understand little

We choose to be free of authority

As much as we can at first

We end up choosing something

Or someone else to follow

Some people join the military

Some people join a cult

Some just try to fit in with friends

Some people try to be different

To stand out

But usually this is only done superficially


So what does freedom in Christ mean

It means being part of

The family of God and His Church

The real true dignity

We have been given

Is in the title of child of God

As the exercise of God’s free will

He has chosen to bear

Almost all the sacrifice needed

To reconcile His perfectly good character

With our bad behavior

Then we have the freedom

To accept God’s offer or not


The sad part is

That many are unwilling

To submit to His rule

In their lives

And so risk suffering for eternity

For nothing but their pride

In the end in their path

They will have even less freedom

In any sense

Than if they would have

Just followed God

And often then

it will be too late

To accept God’s offer


Spiritual faith by definition is spontaneous

But living your faith

Takes your entire life


Creating Dreams


I sometimes fantasize about

Learning without suffering

Accomplishing something important

Without needing patience

To do it

Just one time

And never again updating it

Some projects are by nature

Never ending

Others just take many years

To complete

Important endeavors

That are worthwhile

Seem to need fighting

It is as if the struggle

Is against some living thing

Trying to hold us back

The enemy of creativity

Is our pride

It is very much alive

This is the human struggle

For the artist and creator

To wrestle down our demons

And defeat and reign in

Our own desires and illusions

So we can control ourselves

And by extension the outcome

Perfection only comes with time

And through relentless effort

Sometimes the struggle is not what

But about what not to do

When there are too many choices

Good useful choices even

How do we check

Every possible combination

Refining our decisions

To a point

We constantly need to

Return to the beginning

To remember what it is

We are doing

And who we are

In relation to our creations

Everything is up

For critique and judgement

Every step forward

Must be rehearsed

In our minds continually

Everything that is there

Must have a reason

We must justify the existence

Of every element

Just as the artist

Must feel greatly to design

The consequences of these decisions

Must be thought of

Every cause

Has a chain of effects

And each action

Needs to be understood

In every moving part

Of the entire system

Some of us try to separate

Design from engineering

But this is as futile

As explaining physics

Without math

Every creation is both

A work of art

And working mechanics

Everything more than a self portrait

Needs a purpose

It is only

In the polishing

Of the art object

That we find

The rough points

That cause the subject pain

Every little decision

Has great repercussions

Later in the process

As the system is perfected

Just as most people

Have poor self knowledge

Most people do not like

To be challenged

About their creations

But it is only

in the brutal carving away

Of the good

But not necessary aspects

That we see

The most appropriate path

That leads us

To the next step

The creator is only creating something

As significant as a thought

Within a dream

Ironically is often conceived

Within a daydream

And the resulting work

Only exists as an idea

As everything else

In our world

As we are too a creation

The only way

To understand our reality

Is to accept

That we are little

In the grand scheme of things

So as we continue to

Fight through our creations

We must realize that we are

Just living

In a dream of our Creator

A creation within a creation

A creation in our minds eye

Which is a creation

Of our Creator

We live our reality

Within our heads

Our reality is in turn

Lived out in God’s mind

So we live in a dream

Within God’s dream

We create even as we are created

We gradually understand this

According to our spiritual maturity

We understand God

Better as creatives

Because just as we care

About what we create

And never want it to be

Destroyed, corrupted, or become irrelevant

So God cares

About the integrity

Of His creations too

In each struggle

In our lives

He asks for full creative control

Because unlike our creations

His are real creatures

With minds of their own

They can even change

Who they are

All on their own

Better yet they can walk

Hand in hand

With their Creator

It is always prudent

To consult the creator

Before you modify the creation

Beyond its intention

There is usually a reason

Why it only does things

A certain way


Irony Today


It is ironic that in a country

Founded on freedom of expression

That as it fully dominates the cultures of all the world

We in the heart of the empire

Experience greater fear of expression ourselves

Than in many more “repressive regimes”

It seems that both governments and criminals

Both spies and businesses

Even individuals and activists

Are all obsessed with useless details about us

We cannot ever have any privacy

We are constantly surveilled

By every device we use to communicate with

Is used to spy on us

Everyone wants to know

What everyone else does in the bathroom

Everything ever communicated

Is now written in stone and a public record

To find an angle

To get more money out of poor people

The very systems designed to liberate us

And have us effectively resist surveillance

Are the very ones that give us insomnia

With all this sharing of information

It is now hard to get ahold of anyone

As we all fear scams and deceit

Amongst everyone contacting us

The world is run by peasants

In attitude and spirit

They are all mad

And they are never satisfied

They are are not happy with themselves

Because although they have huge power

But all they use it for

Is to spread rumors and lies

Most things done online

Are negative for society

And those that didn’t get as much

As they thought they should

Continue to make life miserable

For those trying to fix the problems

In an age of social media

It is one of the loneliest times in history

In an age of easier to access information the ever before

There is more ignorance than ever before

In a time where we have more power as individuals than ever before

We are turning on each other

And destroying the weak and vulnerable

In a time when it is easiest of all times to get books

Most people have given up on reading

In a time where people have more free time than ever before

Fewer are working to improve things

Everything is now public

Nothing is private

It is often thought that technology

Brings knowledge and wealth

The Internet proves this is wrong

Our culture is based on that of NAZI Germany

We built it on their technologies

Of computers, space, warfare, and information gathering

We too have an obsession

With propaganda/aggressive advertising

With an emphasis on loyalty

To the powers that be above all else

And with enthusiastic support

By all the biggest corporations

Following the letter of the laws

But not the spirit

This is a problem of society

And not specific people

We did this all because of our fear of people

Who look and think different than us

But the people we really fear are each other

As we are also a physically violent society

In our school shootings, video games, and movies

In our own towns and neighborhoods

Maybe if most our leaders were not

Bullies and hateful themselves

We would not be so divided

And hostile to each other

It seems obvious

Although we all bear personal responsibility

For letting it get this far

The divisions are so superficial

That they only make sense

If someone else is trying to divide us

The list of enemies to the US is long

As we have caused similar problems

In many other countries

All because we think

We are the lesser of two evils

And we think the ends justify the means

That Voice


Whose is that voice is your head

Whose is that voice in your heart


Do you believe in an angry God

Or one of relentless kindness

Do you believe in a faceless God

Or one who has a real personality

Do you believe of a God in the abstract

Or one who intervenes constantly

God will not strike you down with lightening

Just because you complain

God will not send you to hell

Just because you don’t understand


God does not love America or Americans

More than the other people and nations of the world

Just because we are richer than other nations

Does not mean we are more blessed

God is no closer to a conservative than a liberal

Just because you win an argument

Does not make you closer to God

God loves both the intellectual and the working man the same

Just because you are everyman

Does not mean you are more devout

God is as much an engineer as He an artist

As much biologist as humanist

But God fights on our behalf

Whether we have anything special we can do or not


Many are afraid of the Chinese

But we should really fear ourselves

We bring judgement on ourselves

By what we choose of our own free will

The battle is not between God and China

The real battle is between the good and evil within us

Society constantly focuses on battle between nations

But we should focus more on our own minds


Some believers see themselves as Americans primarily

But God wants our primary identity to be children of God

The Church and what goes on in it is more important spiritually

Than what goes on in the government

Instead of turning on each other

Let us examine what is right and wrong within us


We really need to rethink what is essential

If we are to bring America back to God

Is traditional Americana more important

Or is it the God we claim to serve

Is theology or culture more important

When we think of the future

We think of America as still here

If America is so significant

Why is it not referred to in prophecy

Except maybe as Mystery Babylon


The entire modern world is only 200-250 years old

It will likely not survive past the end of this century

But just because our civilization ends

Does not mean people all disappear

God never promised us flush toilets, cars, and electrical heating

The internet is currently self destructing

Soon we will not be able to depend on basic services

Just as the American/World government

Is being effectively turned into a private business


In times of great instability religion often dominates the culture

But how is tying a dying political ideology

To a religion that will never die ever make sense

Does God really think highly of a system

Based on greed, mob rule, and founded largely by unbelievers

Today we see revolutionaries as terrorists

Couldn’t our founding fathers be considered terrorists

By our modern definition

What should a Christian have done

At that time and place in history


Our entire society is inconsistent with the Christian faith

This dividing of the Church and State

Was one of the good points of our constitution

And this idea predates our country by hundreds of years

And started on another continent

Really the Protestant Reformation was the start

Of the separation between Church and State

If and when we are persecuted

We have to ask ourselves is it for our faith

Or do we suffer just because of our stubbornness


The modern basis for our concept of tolerance

Comes from an Irish protestant minister/priest

He argued that because faith is only valid

If you believe of your own free will

There is no point in pressuring conversions

Of people who have no desire to do so

By fear, desperation, or to fit in

God will bring people to Himself as He sees fit

And this is not our responsibility or even ability


Genuine change happens in a persons life

Because of repetition and life experiences

Rarely does it happen due to argument

Just as Abraham and the other patriarchs were saved by faith

Just as much as modern day Christians

So faith is a highly poetic and individual experience

Which also is a journey we take throughout our lives

Even determining who is a Christian

In this lifetime is futile

We will not truly know until we enter Heaven


Let us not reduce our faith down to one prayer

Or a current highly hyped ideology

That few in the rest of the world

Can even take part in

Christians or unbelievers

Christianity and God are multicultural and international

Let us rely on God and not money

America is not God

And China is not the devil


Whose voice do you hear

Where does it come from